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On a recent flight I found myself in an unfortunate situation: a sleeping wife and baby and me with nothing to read but the Sky Mall magazine.

Therein I was amazed to find advertisements for orthotic-type footwear, "innovative" shoes employing some unusual technology (two of which are on this list, two of which aren't), and a full two-page spread by "FootSmart" advertising various devices intended to relieve foot pain (like plantar fasciitis).

If captive audience advertising is any indication, Americans are looking for answers to ways to cure their chronically hurting feet. Unfortunately, some of the solutions being presented to them may do little to make their feet healthier.

My Sky Mall experience really stuck with me: I felt it was high-heeled time to create a list of the top 10 gimmicky shoes. Here is a definition of "gimmick:"

In marketing language, a gimmick is a unique or quirky special feature that makes something "stand out" from its contemporaries. However, the special feature is typically thought to be of little relevance or use. Thus, a gimmick is a special feature for the sake of having a special feature.

The following shoes are ranked relative both to their adherence to this definition and to how absurd a given shoe seems to me, which is both arbitrary and subjective (This is just for fun!) . . .

#10 — Heelys

Kicking off our list of gimmicky kicks at #10 are Heelys. Heely's are literally shoes with a "wheel in the heel." If you're like me, you've probably been amazed to see kids magically glide on their heels around a mall or down a sidewalk. The magic, it seems, is in sticking a wheel on otherwise normal shoes and then just trusting youngsters' relative fearlessness go to work.

Some "grown-ups" have even given Heelys a spin — Heelys can be seen worn by Dane Cook in Employee of the Month.

To be honest, Heelys strike me as a pretty brilliant invention. In theory, they should get you where you want to go faster and with less energy than regular shoes thanks to the efficiences you get with wheels. Of course, the price is looking very goofy as you glide around in high-tops in a series of very long, static heel-strikes.

#9 — Strength Shoes

Next on the list at #9 are Strength Shoes. Here they are described in their own marketing lingo:

Essentially a sneaker with a small platform attached to the bottom front half, the Strength® Shoe allows the wearer to continuously engage the calf muscle. In regular shoes, 70% of the body's weight rests on the heels; therefore, the calf muscles exert little effort in supporting the body. In Strength® Shoes, the heel is eliminated, causing the calves to support 100% of the body's weight. This overload works the calves and Achilles tendons with a force equal to 6 times the body's weight upon impact. Used correctly, the Strength® Shoe stretches and overloads these muscles, which in time will lengthen and strengthen.

Over time, Strength Shoes are supposedly capable of adding "5 - 10 inches to your vertical leap" and "increase anaerobic power by 500%." Hefty claims.

The Strength Shoe has actually been around in some shape or form for almost 40 years. Do they actually deliver as promised? It's hard to say. It seems at least a few users have had some success with them, and it's easy to understand how they'd strengthen your calf muscles by forcing you to use them via the front-platform.

#8 — Reebok Pump

Most of you will remember the golden age of Pumps, and by "pumps" I don't mean high-heels; rather, I'm referring to shoes that had built in air bags that you could pump up with air to tighten the shoe on your foot. The idea behind pumps not only sounds cool but Pumps even made a cool sound when you pumped pressed on the little basketball to pump them up (or released out the air — a source of endless jokes for ten-year olds).

And if you thought Pumps were dead, you'd be wrong:

The Pump is back. 20 years later and your main squeeze still delivers top-drawer comfort and style. The midcut design increasing ankle stability and allows for exceptional lateral control.

• Pump technology adjusts air chamber to fit your foot
• High-abrasion outsole of traction and durability

Now, I have to confess; I owned a pair of these circa 1991 or 1992. Not sure how I convinced my parents that a pair of air-filled shoes was worth the expensive, but I was apparently a master at persuasion.

#7 — Reebok EasyTone

Reebok EasyTones have been on a marketing tear recently. A shoe ostensibly designed to strengthen your legs and butt, the EasyTone is marketed directly towards women, mostly employing the age-old marketing technique of playing towards body-image insecurities while suggesting a quick-fix (gimmicky) remedy:

EasyTone is designed to help give definition to your legs and butt. Simply walk and let the balance pods under your shoe do the rest. The slight instability created by the pods forces your muscles to work a little harder, toning you up as you strut.

The body-image aspect is both seen on their webpage (see the screenshot) and in their ads. Watch and shudder:

Finally, if you're like me, this auto-playing intro video on the EasyTone website will make you cringe in pain at the thought of heel-striking so heavily while walking.

#6 — Sketchers Shape-Up

I've been seeing advertising for these things everywhere, and while out shopping back in December, I was in a Lady's Footlocker cringing as a somewhat out-of-shape woman was being sold on the Shape-Ups (She did like my KSO Trek Five Fingers).

Here's the Shape-Up pitch:

Designed to improve your life by changing the way you walk, Shape-ups feature a unique soft kinetic wedge insert and dynamic rolling bottom to simulate walking on soft sand. With the comfort of Shape-ups, you will feel your heel sink to the ground as you step, roll forward as your weight shifts to its center, and push off with your toes. This movement will result in stronger leg, buttock, back and abdominal muscles as you stabilize your steps.

Shape-Ups (and MBTs, which I'll get to in a minute) make me think of what you'd get if you took the theory behind rocking chairs and applied it to shoe soles. Or maybe it's trying to make your foot more like a wheel?

Suffice to say that any product that is marketed with a tag like "Get in Shape Without Setting Foot in a Gym" is likely going to over-promise and under-deliver—gimmicky.

#5 — MBT

Billed as "The anti-shoe" shoe, "MBT" stands for "Masai Barefoot Technology" — the Masai, of course, being the African tribe whose "elegant upright posture and lack of joint and back problems are attributed to walking on uneven, natural surfaces — which is what is emulated when wearing MBTs." Here's a bit more on the MBT marketing hype:

The positive effect of the MBT is based on the principle of "natural instability". An effect which can, in fact, be achieved without the benefit of high-tech footwear: by simply walking barefoot on soft, uneven, natural ground such as sand or moss. However, in today's thoroughly modern world this is not always easy to do - but the health benefits are significant. While wearing MBTs the body is forced to maintain its natural balance, thereby stimulating and exercising the body's supporting muscle system which results in numerous pro-body benefits.

Now, I've a bone to pick with this Masai tie- in. Here is a photo of some Masai feet:

How do you go from that to MBTs? Not only are the Masai wearing very basic, flat sandals, but the ground on which they're walking doesn't exactly evoke thoughts of a sandy beach. Natural ground, sure, but when you walk on most natural surfaces barefoot, which don't give like a sandy beach at all, you are not rolling on your feet. Seriously, how does an MBT even remotely come close to being similar to being barefoot? Even in it's quest to make you unstable while walking, it's still making your steps uniformly "roll-y" and completely unlike how you'd walk in any other shoe, and totally unlike how you'd walk barefoot!

#4 — Spira

Now you might have thought that shoes with springs on the bottom of them were relegated to cartoon lore — akin to the "flubber" from the 1961 classic The Absent-Minded Professor. But again, you'd be wrong. It seems shoes with springs in the bottom are presently all the rave.

Enter Spira Footwear, which uses forefoot and heel "wavespring" technology, which in a fantastic paradox is not only capable of improving your walking/running experience but also can turn the future into present (see the webpage screnshot). Here's the pitch on the Spira technology:

WaveSpring™ returns energy with every step.
Unlike traditional shoe midsoles made primarily of foams, rubber compounds, or polymers, WaveSpring™ technology stores and disburses energy with every step. Testing performed at Michigan State University in 2001 reported that 87% - 96% of the energy is returned from the WaveSpring™. This is the highest energy return score for any midsole material ever tested. As a result, our footwear not only cushions, but returns energy. In a very real sense, the WaveSpring enables you to recycle your own energy!

In short, the Spira midsole is nothing short of amazing. It almost sounds like their spring technology could turn you into a hovercraft!

#3 — Gravity Defyer

"I defy thee, Gravity!" I just had to get that out of my system. Gravity Defyer ads are popping up all over the internet—even on this site. Another springs-in-the-soles shoe, Gravity Defyers springs are all loaded in the heels.

Check this Gravity Defyer advertisement:

From the pitch:

The industrial master spring functions much like the powertrain in your car transforming the energy of your step into forward propulsion. Like your cars suspension the two smaller springs provide support and stability. Physical activity will become fun again because Gravity Defyers relieve joint pain and ease spinal pressure.

Get it? Absorb and propels! Makes sense, see!

One customer loves his GD shoes so much that he said he might not take them off — he might even bathe in them! These GD shoes sound pretty amazing.

#2 — Z-Coil

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Just look at that website screenshot for a minute. Try not to laugh. Okay laugh away.

Z-Coils are the most epic spring-loaded shoe around. By comparison of sheer spring size, they put Spiras and Gravity Defyers to shame.

How do they work?

Z-CoiL footwear is engineered specifically to relieve foot, leg, and back pain.

It's patented, shock-absorbing design greatly reduces impact to the body and distributes pressure more evenly across the foot than conventional shoes do. And less impact means less pain.

Amongst the coterie of spring-loaded shoes, it's easy to sense a theme: reduce impact to the foot by absorbing it. On the face, it seems a spring would both absorb impact on landing and then return it on stepping off. But does this work in practice?

And more to the point, how are you going to walk in Z-Coils? How are you going to run in them? If the biomechanics of a particular shoe force you to walk drastically differently from other shoes, to say nothing of how you walk barefoot, you gotta just scratch your head.

#1 — Nike Air Max

Yep, you read right. At the top of our list is one of the most popular Nike shoes ever created — the Air Max, which you can go ahead and lump together with all Nike shoes that employ a sack of air in the heel. Originally introduced in 1987, the Air Max has taken numerous incarnations, with air sacks varying substantially in size and execution.

Nike Air Max makes the top of the list ahead of all the spring-loaded contenders simply because in a way, they are spring-loaded. Nike Air Maxes just use air pockets to act as springs.

Why are the Air Maxes gimmicky? Because there's no evidence that having air pocketed cushioning (or any cushioning) at the heel does one ounce of good for reducing impact experienced by the foot. A recent study has shown that, as compared with running barefoot, running shoes result in over 30% more stress at key joints (hip and knee).

More to the point, high-heeled shoes like the Nike Air Max effectively force you to heel-strike, basically cutting out all the built-in impact dampening you get by landing on your mid-foot, which engages the arch of your foot as well as the rubber-band like fascia, and allows your calf muscles to flex while landing.

I picked the Nike Air Max specifically as, like the Reebok Pumps, I was a sucker for the "gimmick" as a kid. I wanted to have the air sacks in my shoes — I distinctly remember going from the flat Converse Chuck Taylors to Nikes for this very reason.

Parting thoughts on shoe gimmicks:

It is unfortunate that so many individuals are dealing with chronic foot injuries only to turn to shoes that make big promises but often are little more than a bunch of marketing mumbo-jumbo. Though most all of the folks at BirthdayShoes are already "enlightened" to the reality of the sports shoe industry — that the emperor has no clothes and we'd all be better of quite literally with naked feet — it's important to point out the absurdities in most modern footwear, be they rocking-shoes like the MBTs, spring-loaded shoes like Z-Coils, or high-heeled-but-widely-worn monstrosities like Nikes (even the Nike Free, a "barefoot shoe," has an elevated heel!).

And if you must wear something on your feet (barefoot always being the free option!), go for footwear that allows your foot to be a foot, to flex, bend, and feel the ground. Barefoot or pseudo-barefoot will make your feet and legs stronger and heighten the enjoyment of just about any activity. In other words, you don't need gimmicky shoes to reduce impact, relieve foot pain, or strengthen your legs and feet!

Of course, for that purpose, I recommend Vibram Five Fingers or any of the other barefoot-like alternative footwear. I know, I know — aren't five-toed, flash foot gloves gimmicky? Maybe, but in my experience VFFs deliver the goods, but feel free to debate this in the comments!

Let's turn the tide of modern opinion and help others have healthier, more free feet!